Alyson Watches Movies.

Salutations, followers.

I  want to get right down to business on this one because boy do we have a doozy. I was presented with the opportunity to see Transformers: Dark of the Moon in 3D with some friends. Of course I accepted, I thought I had nothing to lose. Boy was I wrong. Michael Bay has a way with sucking my brain dry with over-the-top visuals and special effects, or it was the fact that it was three hours long. Who could say? My past with Transformers is very checkered one. I never saw the first until it came out on dvd and I overall enjoyed it. But as the years passed, I began noticing it’s all-too-apparent flaws. (This is where another shoutout to the Yeah It’s That Bad podcast goes because they covered this movie and i was behind everything they said about it 100%) ((yeahitsthatbad.com or @Yeahitsbad on Twitter)) (((SPAM))) I went into the midnight release of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen with a similar mindset to mine today, of course, to be let down and mind-fucked numb.

This film dives back into the shenanigans of Sam Witwicky (Shia Labouf) who must team up with Replacement Megan Fox (Rosie Huntington-Whitely) and the Autobots once again to save the earth from the Decepticons. All while struggling with his relationship and finding a job. 

Of course, we’ve seen this plot before two times already and yet we still pay to see it. This series of movies are just a collection of sub plots that don’t ever amount to anything nor do you care if they do or not. But let’s cover some of the Michael Bay stereotypes he pumps into his movies:

Racial: You saw it in the first (Jazz), and Bay does not let you down with the last. Every single Transformer had the worst, most offensive accents I’ve ever heard. (Spanish, Irish, Cogmy-English, Aussie, New York, all the bases were covered.)

Over-the-top Visuals:

Michael Bay is famous for trying to make up for incoherent plots by adding explosions and visuals so mind-numbing you feel bled dry after one of his films.

Raven-haired leading women:

If you look closely, you would notice that a lot of leading ladies (besides replacement Megan Fox in Transformers 3) Bay has in his films have long dark hair and are made to look like angels that have just fallen to Earth.

In summation, I thought this movie was repetitive trash (WE GET IT THE DECEPTICONS ARE GONNA KILL US ALL) and there’s nothing I love to see more than the beloved city I grew up in (Chicago) getting torn apart and blown up. (Complete sarcasm) 3/10

Require more movie reviewing goodness? Check out my bros Joel and Martin at Yeah It’s That Bad. A podcast where every Tuesday they pick a movie that’s rotten on Rotten Tomatoes and reanalyze that score to answer the question: Is it REALLY that bad?

These dudes are hilarious and actually know what the hell they’re talking about. Call it an educated tearing apart of movies like you would with your own friends. Love these guys.

BONUS POINTS:

I’m mentioned in the Mortal Kombat and The Happening eps.

check them out at: http://www.yeahitsthatbad.com/

Followers, you have been majorly stepping it up spreading the word, and thanks to my friends from Twitter who found me, you guys have been great. So feeling like the lazy piece that I am, I had no choice but to give my new followers a taste of what they got themselves into. So without further ado….here’s what I thought of BAD TEACHER.

After being dumped by her fiance/sugar daddy, foul mouthed irreverent teacher Elisabeth Halsey (Cameron Diaz) competes against fellow beloved teacher Amy Squirrel (Lucy Punch) in order to win a bonus for money towards breast implants to woo the new teacher in town, Scott Delacorte (Justin Timberlake).

I’m going to start with what I love about this film. Two words. JASON. SEGEL. I’ve got a question for this fellow: How much does your back hurt from carrying this movie? What you saw in the trailer (you can watch it here:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VihlsPKMh4U) was the tip of the iceberg with him. He plays a wise-cracking gym teacher in hot pursuit of Elisabeth, to which of course, no avail. I also found the friendship of Elisabeth and Phyllis from the Office (Phyllis Smith) hilarious. Smith brings her stereotypical goody-goody cat lady humor like she usually does and I have absolutely zero complaints about it. And lastly, I’m not going to give away spoilers but the part that made me laugh even five minutes after everyone else was done can be summed up in three words: Justin. Timberlake’s. O-face. Nuff said.

Now to the best part: what i didn’t like. First off, as a straight eighteen year old female, i found it distracting how attractive Cameron Diaz was in this one. Even covered in thick glasses and a big red Annie wig (don’t ask) she was still disgustingly gorgeous. It seems as if her career now is based solely on her good looks and not her talent itself (cough cough GREEN HORNET cough). Secondly, one of the things I have hated about Hollywood for a while now is the “he/she is an unattractive nerd until they take off their glasses” cliche. Slapping a pair of glasses, a pair of khakis, and an argyle sweater vest on Justin Timberlake does not make him a believable math teacher. And his character made me want to smother him with a pillow soaked in ether. I guess the whole plan behind his character trait downfall was dismissive, but I don’t even know how he could stand up because this guy did not have a friggin spine! It really took it’s toll on me after a while and I sat there in a soapbox fueled by my own anger the rest of the film. And that whole “pathetic kid that wants the popular girl in class” sub plot was totally unnecessary other than to shoehorn in sympathy and attempt to make Elisabeth look like a decent person.

I know it doesn’t seem that way, but I overall enjoyed this film. It had some funny lines, and even though the “shes a sexy ne’erdowell teacher!” concept was run into the ground, I was still able to have fun. So whether you’re craving more Bridesmaids-brand raunch or praying for a Cameron Diaz nude scene, Bad Teacher makes the grade. 6/10.